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Friday, October 02, 2009

Friday Feelings

Where to start, where to start....


I'm having a bad day today.


I think that it started when I realized this morning that we weren't going to get that house. We made an offer on Wed., rather an inventive offer in these tough times, I guess. Because my hubby is still on medical leave from work, we aren't able to get things together to get a conventional loan, but loved the house so much, we tried to get the seller to carry us on contract until we could get the financing.

Well, she didn't see us as an amazing family that would take care of her house, (even though it had been on the market for a year and a half) instead she wants someone to buy it out right. Makes sense----why should she trust us? But then, I know us and I know what we can do.


And yes, I know that there are so many other problems that people have with health and not being able to get a job and hunger, and the list goes on.... But this was something that I have been passionate about for many years, and have been trying to find the right house-----its hard to throw a lot of money out the window on rent----when it would cost the same to make a mortgage payment.

Well----I was ok until my little boy asked in his morning prayers that we could get the house and make it work, so we could have a great place to live.

I lost it. And I can't seem to recover. Do you ever have those days when you feel that every thing that you have been holding in for SO long just comes out----like flood gates opening?

Well----then, for the past few days, I have been watching a movie as I worked out, "Incendiary". (great movie with Michelle Williams---who reminds me of my youngest daughter---by the way) Yesterday I started it, as I was doing my weights, and today, as I was walking and running on my treadmill, I finished it. It was the perfect movie for today-----about a young mother that loses her husband and 4 year old son in a bombing in London----and how she learns to finally cope. Well, may I say that I love my treadmill, because you can actually walk and run----all the while blubbering like an idiot.

After it was over and I sat down, I started to think on how precious life is, and how much I love my own children----often to distraction----and how sometimes I wish that I could go back and have them little----all around me again. I so miss their little voices in the background, even the arguments. I miss the hugs and just holding them. Every morning I come in and wake up my son----who is now 9 years old, and I just bury my nose in his neck and smell him and kiss him over and over. I do feel blessed to have had a child so late in my life, as I would be totally bereft with out him, because I miss my little ones so much.

Another thing that I sometimes wish for is that I could do it all over again----and do it better this time. I was going through an abusive situation in my first marriage, and I wasn't very well----so I know that I wasn't the best of mothers. I did the best that I could, but I just WISH that I could have even a day of it back, so I could just hold my little ones all again and smell them and just ENJOY THEM! I don't think that I took that time enough, and it makes me regret.

Because when they grow up, and move away----you never get to hold them again. Its kind of like that childrens book-----it makes me cry every time----about the mother who rocks her son and by the end of the book, he is rocking his mother----when she is an old lady.

I'm sorry----I don't know what has gotten into me today. I am really a very positive person and always try to have a positive outlook on life. My motto is "NEVER give up!" And that is me----no matter what gets me down, I have gotten back up, brushed myself off and tried to start all over again. So many times. So many times.


But today is just a bad day. I debated on whether I should post this post, as it seems so negative, and I am such a Debbie downer, but then I realized that for all those people out there that own houses, and have amazing families, it will give you the chance to take a few minutes to thank your Heavenly Father for what he has given you, and you can also take those little ones of yours in your arms----right now-----and hold them----smell them----kiss them----enjoy them.
And be thankful for them.

Now. don't get me wrong,-----I thank my Heavenly Father EVERY day for my talents, my health, my family, my amazing children, and that I have a husband now that treats me really well. But I think that it is important to express these feelings---as dejected as they may be---as I write these posts and have this blog, so that someday, when I get it published into a book, my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be able to read it and really get to know me.

This is what I hope for. That this blog will be a piece left of me, when I am gone.


And I think that they need to know......


...I'm having a bad day today....


...And its OK to have a bad day.

28 comments:

Rachel said...

Thanks for sharing. It is ok to have bad days, and it is ok to have good days. No one is expected to be happy all of the time. It is times like these where we can sit back and be grateful for what we do have.

I'm sorry about not getting the house. I can't imagine the stress of trying to find the right house for you, and your family. No worries though, better things are in store for you. Sometimes in horrible moments like these you have to hold on to the fact that there are better things in store for you.

I believe that will all my heart. Love you girl!

Joanna said...

You debated over whether or not to publish this post, but I'm glad you did - I think it's my favorite post of yours! I really needed to hear it - especially about enjoying your children when they are young. Mine are 8, 6, and 4, and I know I don't take the time to enjoy them as much as I should. So yes, today I am going to snuggle my nose into their necks and breath in all of their childhood deliciousness, and it's all thanks to you! Oh and if you have another bad day and want to run away, I am home all day and just a short drive over the border in Nashua :)

jennie w. said...

Everybody gets in a funk sometimes. Just go with it and get it out of your system!

P.S. There are six Texas Roadhouses in Mass. Maybe you need to suffocate your sorrows in rolls and cinnamon butter.

Kristina P. said...

I think it's completely important to express the feelings of sadness and anger.

I hope that something better comes along for you.

miche said...

Shawn, I'm so sorry you're having such a bad day. I'm also very sorry you weren't able to get that house. I know how much you wanted it. Is this a time for "just remember that there will be another house" or is this a better time to say - "oh, that really sucks!" and leave it at that? Either way, you're right, bad days come and it's ok and it's ok to tell people about them. Thanks for the post and the reminders to be thankful!

The Rambler said...

Oh Shawn...I'm sorry for the bad day. And the house.

And I will hug my little one and remember every moment!

And your right. Bad days are ok.

Omgirl said...

You know what, it is OKAY to have a bad day. Even the most positive, exuberant, bouncy people can still have a bad day. You can't always carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Sometimes you need to set it down for a while and have a good cry. You'll be fine again soon. I know it. In the meantime, I hope things work out with your house!!!

p.s. You let me know when you're here and I will treat you to some bread and cinnamon butter therapy!

M-Cat said...

Thank you for publishing the post. We need the reality checks sometimes don't we? Life isn't roses and butterflies all the time, and yes we have times where we are just plain down. Disappointment stings and regret hangs heavy. I think it's okay to allow ourselves to feel those things for a little while before we move on.
I hope your writing was cathartic for you. I love your honesty, and I hope that starting tomorrow - things look brighter!
xoxox

Heather said...

Hey sis,

Sorry about the house I know how much you were looking forward to that. Your post did not bring me down as I have already been down for the past few days. I'm sure eventually everything will work out as it should.

Love ya,
Heather

Mrs. Organic said...

It is okay to have a bad day. It's normal to be disappointed when something you've had your heart set on doesn't come through. I really hope you find (and get) the perfect home. I like to think it is out there just waiting to be discovered by you.

XO

Isk8Jewel (~Julie~) said...

I agree with everyone before me: it's ok to have a bad day and it's ok to admit you're having a bad day. We all have them. We all wish we could have done things differently. I had postpartum depression after my son was born and I often wish things had been different - that I had been more attentive, more loving, more... motherly - then I remind myself that I cannot change the past and from this moment forward I can strive to be the best mother I can be. It sounds to me like you've done that too. I can tell from all your posts how much you love all your children and how happy you make each other.

Have you ever read the book "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury? My one year old son likes me to read it repeatedly (even though I cry almost every time).

**Hugs** to you. Hope tomorrow is a better day!

carma said...

What a disappointment about the house. Is there a bit of hope that maybe you can try again in a few months if it is still on the market? I wish that they could see the "you" that we all know and love and how trustworthy and awesome a tenant you and your family would be. Their house would be in great hands.

Your feelings about your kids are so tender. I often wish I could take back all the years I spent anxious over ridiculous things that caused me to be preoccupied and unable to fully enjoy moments with my now teenage son. Time is one thing that can never be replaced. I feel exactly what you are saying...

Things will get better as long as you are surrounded by your beautiful family.

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Oh, bless your little heart. Surely the house-owner will realize that having money coming in every month is far preferable to zilch. Surely someone as loving as you deserves a home of your own. Surely...things are on hold here to until somedays I think I'm going to loose my mind, and believe me, there's not much to loose. I'm sorry for you boo-hoo day. Surely, she will come to her sences. Surely.

Mom n Pop Wilson said...

Sorry to hear about your bad day. We all have them! As your big sister, I hope you don't mind me sharing a couple of things I have learned lately. I'm still my kids mom. They need to know how much I love them every chance I get. They still need all the hugs and kisses I can give them--even if they don't seem to want them. Above all, they need my listening ear.

And whenever things don't work out the way you had hoped just repeat the following. I prefer to have gotten that house (problem). It makes me sad (emotion) that I didn't get it but I can deal with it. The more you say it. The better you'll feel. I promise! I love you. May the force be with you.:)

Melissa B. said...

I'm thankful, every day. You know, we miss our girls so much, we're thinking about moving out near them. Family is a powerful magnet...Hope you're feeling better!

Kristin said...

We all have them. I hope it was just a bad day and not a bad weekend. Hugs!

dapper kid said...

We all have those unfortunate bad days, but I think good always comes out of them. I suppose it renews your perspective and really teaches you about what it is in your life that is so worth working hard for :)

So sorry that you couldn't get the house, but I am sure that sooner rather than later you will be able to find something even better. I totally want to check that movie out now!

Really hope you had a beautiful weekend :)

Joy said...

You are so not alone in all those feelings. One time I bawled my eyes out when we didn't get a house we were trying to buy. And my kids, they are getting so old so fast and they don't seem to need me very much. {cue violins}

Thanks for stopping by on my SITS day last week. It was nice to see you there.

p.s. "Love You Forever."

Brinna said...

I love you, mom... :) And I still love your hugs...

Lesley said...

oh geez...you totally got me...the tears are flowing...I can totally understand just having a bad day...You wrote it out sooo beautifully though...and I know God has the right, perfect house for you...and the part about your kids...I so get the loving them to distraction!....

and thank you so much for your kind words about my mommy blogging identity crisis...so made my day!

Heather said...

aw, Im sorry....those houses will break your heart every time. I know how that is. I called on a house last week and no one ever called me back :( but I like to think that there is a plan...that we'll be where we need to be and then the right place will come along and we'll think "Thank GOD we didnt move before this!" hope your REAL dream house comes along very soon and it all falls into place...

Anna See said...

I am sorry about the house. I love this message today about holding our loved ones close and really appreciating them. You are such a sweetie.

Christy said...

Oh you poor thing - I'm so sorry you were having such a tough day...Hopefully you're feeling better now. I do appreciate you sharing your negative thoughts on here too - you're only human after all. And I'm sure you were a much better mother when your kids were small than you're giving yourself credit for. Big hug, my friend.

The Royal Family said...

thanks for stopping by my blog on my special sits day, and for your comments.

Did you enter either of my two giveaways?

the buzz,
Brandy


sorry you're having a bad day!

WhisperingWriter said...

I'm sorry about your bad day.

But you're right, it's okay to write about bad days.

In fact, I think it helps me feel better when I've written an entry when I'm feeling down.

Julie said...

Oh Shawn...I am sending you a big hug and a kiss for your forehead. xxx And, I'm also going to give my Aidan a hug right now. Thank you for reminding me to remember to cherish them every chance we can. I will keep you in my prayers until you get your house...the one that's been waiting just for you ;) . xx

Kado! said...

...i LOVE that childrens book about the mom who rocks her boy back and forth...back and forth...and sneeks into his room when he is old...I can totally se myself as that woman...I don't want them to ever grow up and leave me!

I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day...i just know there is another...better house out there for you guys! It'll all work out..it always does!

Rhonda said...

I wish we lived closer. I am hosting a small party when Susette is here, the end of Oct, ... think about coming over to Fairfield County. Bring your son and they can "bond" and have fun talking about their "old" moms.

So glad to read what I think about too from time to time.

Keep the faith!

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