Where to start, where to start....
I'm having a bad day today.
I think that it started when I realized this morning that we weren't going to get that house. We made an offer on Wed., rather an inventive offer in these tough times, I guess. Because my hubby is still on medical leave from work, we aren't able to get things together to get a conventional loan, but loved the house so much, we tried to get the seller to carry us on contract until we could get the financing.
Well, she didn't see us as an amazing family that would take care of her house, (even though it had been on the market for a year and a half) instead she wants someone to buy it out right. Makes sense----why should she trust us? But then, I know us and I know what we can do.
And yes, I know that there are so many other problems that people have with health and not being able to get a job and hunger, and the list goes on.... But this was something that I have been passionate about for many years, and have been trying to find the right house-----its hard to throw a lot of money out the window on rent----when it would cost the same to make a mortgage payment.
Well----I was ok until my little boy asked in his morning prayers that we could get the house and make it work, so we could have a great place to live.
I lost it. And I can't seem to recover. Do you ever have those days when you feel that every thing that you have been holding in for SO long just comes out----like flood gates opening?
Well----then, for the past few days, I have been watching a movie as I worked out, "Incendiary". (great movie with Michelle Williams---who reminds me of my youngest daughter---by the way) Yesterday I started it, as I was doing my weights, and today, as I was walking and running on my treadmill, I finished it. It was the perfect movie for today-----about a young mother that loses her husband and 4 year old son in a bombing in London----and how she learns to finally cope. Well, may I say that I love my treadmill, because you can actually walk and run----all the while blubbering like an idiot.
After it was over and I sat down, I started to think on how precious life is, and how much I love my own children----often to distraction----and how sometimes I wish that I could go back and have them little----all around me again. I so miss their little voices in the background, even the arguments. I miss the hugs and just holding them. Every morning I come in and wake up my son----who is now 9 years old, and I just bury my nose in his neck and smell him and kiss him over and over. I do feel blessed to have had a child so late in my life, as I would be totally bereft with out him, because I miss my little ones so much.
Another thing that I sometimes wish for is that I could do it all over again----and do it better this time. I was going through an abusive situation in my first marriage, and I wasn't very well----so I know that I wasn't the best of mothers. I did the best that I could, but I just WISH that I could have even a day of it back, so I could just hold my little ones all again and smell them and just ENJOY THEM! I don't think that I took that time enough, and it makes me regret.
Because when they grow up, and move away----you never get to hold them again. Its kind of like that childrens book-----it makes me cry every time----about the mother who rocks her son and by the end of the book, he is rocking his mother----when she is an old lady.
I'm sorry----I don't know what has gotten into me today. I am really a very positive person and always try to have a positive outlook on life. My motto is "NEVER give up!" And that is me----no matter what gets me down, I have gotten back up, brushed myself off and tried to start all over again. So many times. So many times.
But today is just a bad day. I debated on whether I should post this post, as it seems so negative, and I am such a Debbie downer, but then I realized that for all those people out there that own houses, and have amazing families, it will give you the chance to take a few minutes to thank your Heavenly Father for what he has given you, and you can also take those little ones of yours in your arms----right now-----and hold them----smell them----kiss them----enjoy them.
And be thankful for them.
Now. don't get me wrong,-----I thank my Heavenly Father EVERY day for my talents, my health, my family, my amazing children, and that I have a husband now that treats me really well. But I think that it is important to express these feelings---as dejected as they may be---as I write these posts and have this blog, so that someday, when I get it published into a book, my children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be able to read it and really get to know me.
This is what I hope for. That this blog will be a piece left of me, when I am gone.
And I think that they need to know......
...I'm having a bad day today....
...And its OK to have a bad day.