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Saturday, November 26, 2005

"It's Time For My Boob Squish of The Year"

(caution: this blog contains scary or disturbing images...)

(Sung to the tune of "Its the Most Wonderful Time of the Year")

"Yes, its time for my boob squish of the year,
I just make my appointment, and check once or twice to make sure the date's clear...
Yes, its time for my boob squish of the year---

The date then arrives and I go on the drive to the office of my OB.
I go in the door and sign in with the nurse---she seems glad to see me...
Oh, its time for my boob squish of the year.

I then go in the back, put my top on the rack and put on that weird robe---
Then its time for my boob squish of the year!

The nurse, she then calls me---she tells me to stand straight, put one boob on the steel plate...
She tells me to hold my breath, won't take a moment and I don't have long to wait.

'Cause it TIME for my boob squish of the year!

Then the steel plate's descending and I'm comprehending the pain thats to come...........


......Now,........I've had my boob squish for the year.
Then I'll go home and wait for the postcard they mail me to say my scan's clear!

Then, I'll be glad I had my boob squish---- glad my results were what I would wish...
Yes, to live in a day when we can............................have a boob squish!!!!!"

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Dare to Do Right, Dare to Be True...

Alright now.......don't be thinking that this blog entry is about some scripture references or my spiritual experiences. Now don't get me wrong....I try just as hard as the next guy to do what is right, but I definitely can't preach on the matter.

No....this time I think that I will dwell on the second part of the title...


I've been thinking lately (I know its a shock to my system, but I am between artistic work now, so I have time to think...) and I wonder how many of us do little bizarre things each day that we tell no one and everyone thinks is soooo taboo....or not taboo to some...

So,.....I have come up with a little quiz for you all to take...and I expect you to be true to yourselves and answer honestly....and thus....


1. Before you put your clothes on for the day, how many of you actually check out your naked body in the mirror and scrutinize it? Do you tear yourself down or are you impressed by what you see?

2. How often do you REALLY exercise each week? Do you act like you do it everyday and then "flex" or "stretch" occasionally to prove your point to the listener, as you are bragging about how in shape you really are?

3. Do you really wash your feet everyday that you shower or take baths?

4. Do you sometimes check out the appearance and consistency of your own or your childrens excrement? (or do you do it ALWAYS?)

5. When no one is looking, or you are driving, do you take a quick pick at your nose...especially if there are some "crusties" that need removing...or you have a juicy one and don't have a kleenex handy?

6. Do you sometimes spit out your gum right by your car in a parking lot and then smile as you imagine the next person getting out of their car and stepping in it?

7. How often do you: a. Sing in the shower or with the radio and swear that you could be a star? b. Act out a scene from your favorite movie and know that you could be an "academy" award winner? c. After watching the Olympics----especially the skating (ok, maybe the guys can't relate...) do you do a few pirouettes, and know that you could have been a contender?

8. How often do you REALLY zone out when a friend or family member is telling you something and you realize that you haven't heard a word that they say and it would be tacky to tell you smile and nod and make appreciative and empathetic sounds?

9. Do you ever eat something out of the fridge or freezer, that you know belongs to someone in the family or to your roommate and then deny that you know what happened to it? Or worse...not really care if they get miffed?

10. Have you ever looked at your phone when someone was calling you and seen that it was your husband, or wife, or your parents, or a best friend, or someone close to you, but not felt like talking to them and you didn't answer?

11. Do you ever sniff your clothes, evaluating whether they should be washed or not, or can you get just ONE more wearing out of them?

12. Are your pants or jeans ready to stand up by themselves, because you don't wash them enough? What about your socks? What about your SHEETS....ARE THEY CLEANED REGULARLY? (I'm washing mine today, so I feel superior...)

Ok, ok, to the evaluation...

If you answered "YES" (or "no" to question #3) to each of the questions and are disgusted by what you see in the mirror, I would say that you are pretty human and are TRUE to yourself. Thank you for breaking social and etiquette molds...just be careful to not cross over too much....i.e. watching every reality show on the tube and do it while drinking beer and stratching your private parts...

If you answered "YES" to half of the questions, you are probably just telling yourself that the questions are disgusting and you would NEVER do those things! So, go on ahead and keep lying to your self...

If you answered "No" to everything (and "yes" to question #3) and you are horrified with the morals and manners of people are probably older than 60 and either secretly have always wanted to do everything mentioned, but have felt the restrictions of society, or you are truly a SPECIAL person and are the most boring, perfect person in the UNIVERSE!

There now...don't you feel better about yourself?

You may ask, as a reader, how I came up with the above questions for the quiz...and how would I answer them? Well......I have to plead the fifth.........

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Blog Etiquette 101

I believe that I have expressed the fact that I am new to all this live journal, blog writing stuff, so it has taken me awhile to be "cool" with it all, and know the proper etiquette that is associated with blogging or having a live journal. Now......I have gone to the experts----my children, of course (refer to earlier blog) to help me navigate through the treacherous waters of blogging. Therefore, I felt the need to let you all know, the readers, of what I was able to ascertain as the correct things to do when reading someone's blog....

I. Finding out about a new blog site
A. Be excited
1. Something new to waste my time on
2. Maybe I will get a good laugh
3. Perhaps I will find someone really boring and I won't feel so bad
about my own boring existence
4. Or perhaps I will find that someone who thinks they are funny is
not really funny and that will make me feel like I am MUCH funnier

II. Click onto the blog site or type into the URL thingy at top of internet page
A. This should be a no brainer, as we are all computer savvy now
B. Hopefully you have DSL like I finally have and don't have to dial up first
1. For those dialing up----wait longer for connection

III. Examine said blog site
A. Read the short bio first and express interest, dismay, disgust, or
annoyance if they haven't given you very much to go on
B. Click on the line for more info. about the person or thing
1. Read said person's info. on favorite books, music, haircolor, nose size,
and various odds and ends of what they think is important for all
the world to view
2. Be disappointed because they have NOTHING there to read
C. Go back to blog home page
1. Read the latest blog entry first...or
2. Read the first blog entry first...or
3. Read all the blogs in order

IV. Think about said blog that you read
A. Engage the brain for several minutes, and consider what
the blogger has written
1. Does this offend me
2. Am I laughing hysterically

A. Put cursor on "comments" at the end of the said blog, and CLICK onto it
1. This will take you into a comment part of the site
2. Do NOT panic
B. Read any other comments...if this person is lucky enough to have any
C. Go to the BLANK comment box and put cursor there to prepare to
make a witty comment or just something to let the blogger know
that someone, anyone, has seen and appreciated his/her site and
the long hours that they have spent to prepare it...
1. Does NOT have to be witty---this is not a competition
2. Will make the blogger feel sooooooo very good about themselves
and will boost their morale which could result in sheer euphoria
for several hours, maybe even several days, if they are especially needy...

VI. Type in your name or blog name, copy the letters in the box,
(if they have that feature to keep out spam bloggers)
and hit the publish key
A. If you are insecure and a comment virgin, you might want to see
your draft comment first, so push that key, but don't forget to publish it
after you have made the various changes...
B. Read your blog comment at the bottom of the other comments, or
admire it as being the only comment if this person has no friends or
very many "commenting" friends

VII. Feel good about yourself...graduate with honors
A. You have now passed Blog Etiquette 101 and will achieve status
and recognition as being a supreme blogger
1. You can now spend more countless wasted time on reading and
commenting on various links connected to said blogs, or comment
back and forth (kind of like IM'ing on a blog site) to the blogger
that you perhaps see every day, but its more fun to have
conversations this way......

A. Oh....come you think that I'm going to waste my
time going into that?......
1. Figure it out yourself...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm My Own best Friend...and Other Deep Dark Secrets...

I feel the need to tell it all...
My deepest, darkest secrets that no one knows...
No one reads this anyway, so who can blackmail me?

First of all...I have come to the realization that I am my own best friend...

Case in point... I have very deep conversations with myself........I always agree with myself and feel very good about myself after said conversations and I ALWAYS think that I am the funniest person in the room.(of course, I'm by myself...) I also really enjoy hanging out with myself... I like shopping by myself, eating lunch at home by myself, (especially when I fix whatever salad that I am addicted to, and sit down in front of the TV to catch up on my latest TIVO recordings) cleaning the house and then enjoying it with no one there, and I like staying up late at night (by myself) and catching up on more TIVO recordings, or doing projects or reading... comes my deepest, darkest secret.........................................................
I love to go to movies by myself! You know...during the day...when everyone is in school or work or having a life...
I am deeply addicted (refer to earlier blog) to movies anyway (I believe this is because of being an actress for so many years---at least I tell myself that...) and if I go a week without seeing a movie, I go into a panic, and need to FIND a way to get to one! Of course, it's not the same to get one from NETFLIX, my other cheap thrill... (who doesn't love to get things in the mail?) No.........I have to put on a pair of cheap sunglasses ( I can't afford expensive ones, as I need my money for movies) and slink into the closest theatre that I can find, (so I can still make it back for whatever I have to get back for) get my popcorn and drink, and enjoy an hour and a half of pure escapism!

Now......I try to think back on how I started this whole "being my own best friend" thing. (I know when I started the solitary movie was on Valentine's Day the year that I was going through my divorce---I went to my first movie alone and tried to tell myself that I didn't care that it was Valentine's Day and I was alone---I was prepared to spend the REST of my life without a man by my side...I must have been VERY dramatic that day....)

But being dramatic is another story.....
I think that I started realizing that I had only me for a friend when I entered fifth grade. That's when I began getting really unattractive...

I got glasses that know, those "cat eye" ones that make everyone look creepy,......unless you are "uber chic" and doing the punk thing...... I noticed that kids looked at me differently and I had to work harder to get friends. Then, when we moved to Texas,.....I was at the prime of my know,..... glasses, hair cut by Mom---uneven in the front, big rabbit teeth, flat-chested, (my mother refused to buy me a bra----said that I didn't have anything to put in it) skinny chicken legs, (very hairy, by the way---as I wasn't allowed to shave) and long dresses to the knee. (this was during the mini skirt age, so this is doubly worse!)

I started going to school, and at gym, immediately made a beeline for the most popular girls....(you know the ones.....they had all been wearing bras since 5th grade...) I knew that I was fun and witty and a "laugh a minute" type of person, so I didn't worry about getting rejected... So, wasn't I surprised when these girls looked at me and all turned and walked away, leaving me standing alone on the blacktop... (it was outside---we were playing basketball---I still remember what it looks like...)

That was the first day that I went home and cried my eyes out... There were many such days over the next few years...... I still remember standing in front of the mirror after a good cry...telling myself that I had lots of things that I was good at and that it didn't matter what these popular kids said, I WAS cool and beautiful, inside.....

So...............that's how I became my own best friend........

...And how did it all turn out? I eventually became the "class clown" to get people to like me, and after the summer of my freshman year, I returned to high school a changed (physically) girl-----shaven, curled, made up, "bigger on top", stylish, (I sewed my own clothes, and started many a fashion trend...) and assured that no matter what ANYONE thought of me,.........I was different, but I had MYSELF and that was always going to be enough..........(and when I was a senior, I kicked butt over those same girls----as I was Homecoming AND Prom Queen, and they weren't even in the running....) :)

So, now you know several of my deepest secrets....

What? Did you think that I would reveal ALL of them........yeah, right.....
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