I'm My Own best Friend...and Other Deep Dark Secrets...

I feel the need to tell it all...
My deepest, darkest secrets that no one knows...
No one reads this anyway, so who can blackmail me?

First of all...I have come to the realization that I am my own best friend...

Case in point... I have very deep conversations with myself........I always agree with myself and feel very good about myself after said conversations and I ALWAYS think that I am the funniest person in the room.(of course, I'm by myself...) I also really enjoy hanging out with myself... I like shopping by myself, eating lunch at home by myself, (especially when I fix whatever salad that I am addicted to, and sit down in front of the TV to catch up on my latest TIVO recordings) cleaning the house and then enjoying it with no one there, and I like staying up late at night (by myself) and catching up on more TIVO recordings, or doing projects or reading...

Then....here comes my deepest, darkest secret.........................................................
I love to go to movies by myself! You know...during the day...when everyone is in school or work or having a life...
I am deeply addicted (refer to earlier blog) to movies anyway (I believe this is because of being an actress for so many years---at least I tell myself that...) and if I go a week without seeing a movie, I go into a panic, and need to FIND a way to get to one! Of course, it's not the same to get one from NETFLIX, my other cheap thrill... (who doesn't love to get things in the mail?) No.........I have to put on a pair of cheap sunglasses ( I can't afford expensive ones, as I need my money for movies) and slink into the closest theatre that I can find, (so I can still make it back for whatever I have to get back for) get my popcorn and drink, and enjoy an hour and a half of pure escapism!

Now......I try to think back on how I started this whole "being my own best friend" thing. (I know when I started the solitary movie going...it was on Valentine's Day the year that I was going through my divorce---I went to my first movie alone and tried to tell myself that I didn't care that it was Valentine's Day and I was alone---I was prepared to spend the REST of my life without a man by my side...I must have been VERY dramatic that day....)

But being dramatic is another story.....
I think that I started realizing that I had only me for a friend when I entered fifth grade. That's when I began getting really unattractive...

I got glasses that year...you know, those "cat eye" ones that make everyone look creepy,......unless you are "uber chic" and doing the punk thing...... I noticed that kids looked at me differently and I had to work harder to get friends. Then, when we moved to Texas,.....I was at the prime of my ugliness....you know,..... glasses, hair cut by Mom---uneven in the front, big rabbit teeth, flat-chested, (my mother refused to buy me a bra----said that I didn't have anything to put in it) skinny chicken legs, (very hairy, by the way---as I wasn't allowed to shave) and long dresses to the knee. (this was during the mini skirt age, so this is doubly worse!)

I started going to school, and at gym, immediately made a beeline for the most popular girls....(you know the ones.....they had all been wearing bras since 5th grade...) I knew that I was fun and witty and a "laugh a minute" type of person, so I didn't worry about getting rejected... So, wasn't I surprised when these girls looked at me and all turned and walked away, leaving me standing alone on the blacktop... (it was outside---we were playing basketball---I still remember what it looks like...)

That was the first day that I went home and cried my eyes out... There were many such days over the next few years...... I still remember standing in front of the mirror after a good cry...telling myself that I had lots of things that I was good at and that it didn't matter what these popular kids said, I WAS cool and beautiful, inside.....

So...............that's how I became my own best friend........

...And how did it all turn out? I eventually became the "class clown" to get people to like me, and after the summer of my freshman year, I returned to high school a changed (physically) girl-----shaven, curled, made up, "bigger on top", stylish, (I sewed my own clothes, and started many a fashion trend...) and assured that no matter what ANYONE thought of me,.........I was different, but I had MYSELF and that was always going to be enough..........(and when I was a senior, I kicked butt over those same girls----as I was Homecoming AND Prom Queen, and they weren't even in the running....) :)

So, now you know several of my deepest secrets....

What? Did you think that I would reveal ALL of them........yeah, right.....