..."In my own little corner, in my own little chair, I can be whatever I want to be..."
Saturday, May 19, 2007
After talking to my daughter this morning, and after checking out a mutual blog that we both admire, then checking out some of his favorites, and seeing how many hits that they have had on their blogs, and then seeing how many hits I have gotten in almost two years,....I realized that I really do not have any friends. I actually read the blogs of my daughters friends, admire their creativity and humor, and start to wish that I had friends like that, so that they would admire and want to hang out with me. For some reason, my daughter gets together with her friends often, having parties, doing fondue, watching special "Tivo'd" favorite TV episodes, or playing games, etc. Yes, she has kids and lots of things to do, but she manages to find time for her friends.
So, I begin to think about why I have no friends... Is it because I have moved over 20 times in the last 30 years? Is it because I don't spend the time putting anything into my "friend" relationships? Is it because my children and husband are my best friends? Or, (and I am afraid of this one) is it that no one wants to be my friend and I really am a drab, dull, boring person that only thinks that I am witty and wonderful to be with, in my own little world?
Its a scary thought...
Why is it that we all crave to be popular? We try to say that it doesn't matter, but we actually NEVER get over the high school "I'm a cheerleader, so I'm popular" phase...even in life. I actually was popular in high school, but not because I was a cheerleader, but because I was, basically the class clown type. I was the cartoonist for the school newspaper, so everyone knew my name. Also, I became friends with all the jock guys and they stuck up for me.
Now, I admit several things.
***I am not good with maintaining friend relationships with people. I have different friends all over the country, (that's because of the moving) but have relegated our friendship from sending newsletters once a year to just sending out an e-mail about where to read my blogs. I hardly ever hear back from anyone and never get any comments on those blogs, so I have no idea if anyone ever reads about what's going on in my life or if anyone even cares... I did have a friend, though, from high school whom I now admire very much, get in touch with me a few years back, after our reunion, and now regularly e-mails me and keeps me up to date with what she is doing. She even spent the money and the time to come and see me do a benefit concert for my theater here---flying across the country! Amazing---now that's how to be a friend!
**I am also not good with making new friends now. It's not that I don't want to, its just that I am getting selfish with my time as I get older, and I don't seem to have the time to get together and do lunch or something with someone, when I can spend the hour catching up on something I "Tivo'd" several days before, or read a book that I haven't had time to read in a week, or organize my new color coordinated closet. I also, actually love to spend time by myself. I like to shop by myself...I can get so much more done now when I shop, then when I had kids with me!
**I actually think of my family as being my best friends. I was never really close that way to my ex-husband, so I did alot with my kids (maybe its because of the moving thing again?) and have always loved to hang out with them, especially as they have gotten older. I will always pretty much drop everything for any one of them---to talk to on the phone or have lunch with, meet for a movie or just hang out with. I now have a husband that I consider my best friend, and WISH that we could do things together more. I look forward to going out with him every other week and going to dinner and a movie with him, and just being able to relax and talk.
Maybe this is why I have no friends. Don't get me wrong. I have "aquaintances" and wonderful Visiting Teachers from my church that come to see me every month, and I have friends that when I finally do see them, it is fun to be with them, but I guess I want more...
And I don't want to have to put anything into it..... So, there is my answer, I guess.
It actually feels good to be able to express whatever I want in this blog, as I don't have to worry about anyone reading it. Who needs friends anyway?